I love Paris.

Sad Shit Happens All The Time

Someone once said to someone else who then said to me that I am the happiest, cheeriest person he knows. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s thanks to 300mg of Wellbutrin with 50mg of Zoloft and a lot of denial.

But you know what? Fuck that.

I lived my whole life trying to be happy on my own, and in trying to find said happiness, a lot of times I just found more shit to bring me down. I’d actually take on other people’s shit when I didn’t have enough shit of my own. Friends, family members, even strangers in bars - I know intimate details about people whose names I’ve forgotten that the people closest to them probably don’t even know.

Why would I listen? Do I have to spell it out? Shit is interesting, and sad shit doubly so. Change the name/gender and you’ve got a novella started.

However, the thing I was missing was a boundary. A line that people know they can’t cross. I have a telephone at my home that only 10 numbers can call. Those 10 number holders know who they are, and they don’t abuse that privilege. They’re called “friends.” If that phone rings at 3am, someone really needs me, and I don’t care what time it is when that happens - I’m up.

For everyone else, there’s my cell phone, which is set to silent pretty much 24-7.

It’s not about who I like and who I don’t like. It’s the difference between being a good acquaintance/friend and feeling like someone’s make-shift therapist. I learned that I have to separate my curiosity about other people’s lives from my life so I can enjoy my life while I have it because God damn, most people have a lot of sad shit they need to tell someone.

As for me, my house is a mess, the laundry is out of control, and the sun coming in through my dirty windows is fucking beautiful and I am going for a walk.

If I get sick before my trip to Paris, I’m going to be the saddest American in Paris there ever was because you KNOW I will fly with a SARS mask on.

Fuck. This. Day.

I waited soooo looooong

Tomorrow is Friday, people. FRIDAY!

Gordon Said “Ridic” Tonight

Win.

Some days are better than others…

But lately my days have been great! I’ve made a kind of peace in myself that has escaped me since I was a child. I feel OK. Capital O. Capital K. It’s nice.

Work is good. I do what I’m asked to do at work, and I do extra research when I have down time. I’m not sure if anyone cares about this research, but I’m looking at things like engagement, participation, and interest numbers instead of revenue numbers. I am naturally curious if I’m reading the fans right or if I’m way off. I don’t even know if I want to be able to read them right, but hey, being able to get 30 strangers to comment on your post is pretty fucking amazing when you think about:

1. how interesting the rest of the Internet is, and
2. how many people you have the ability to talk to in your real life “cast of characters.”

Something we posted was probably talked about at some point by someone I don’t know to someone they DO know. “What’s your favorite game show?” may have rippled out in ways I can’t imagine. And while it may prove to be ultimately fruitless, it’s still a powerful ability.

I’m missing my family pretty bad this weekend. I talked to my mom for 40 minutes on Saturday, and it was really enjoyable. It has been a long time since everything has been so calm. I should go home for the weekend soon. I’m pretty great at budgeting that time between given family and chosen family.

Currently? Beardo and I are in the process of cleaning. I am doing the most laundry I’ve ever done in 24 hours. EVERYTHING WILL BE CLEAN.

xo

Sometimes I think death is the only way out, but then I think of all the tv I would never see and muster the courage to carry on. Thank you TV.

To all the people who saw me crying in my car on 495 last night, you weren’t helping. Stop being dicks and let me merge, dammit! We ALL want to get home.

Side note: Gordon is the best.